Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Wednesday Funnies

Guess what?! I saw my first deer yesterday morning. It was about 6am waaaay down the Peninsula. A surprisingly big one took off across the street right in front of me. Cool!

The church bulletins were such a hit, I thought I'd give you guys a laugh with some from the court room. Well, maybe not laugh exactly but you're bound to shake your heads. Hard to believe these people went through so many years of schooling - sheesh.

Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
That’s me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?

So you were gone until you returned?

She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?

You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?

Were you alone or by yourself.

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.

Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?
No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

How long have you been a French Canadian?

Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral O.K.?
What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral.

What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that sonofabitch – and she did!

Do you drink when you’re on duty?
I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

…any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
The victim lived.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.

The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.

And was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Are you sexually active?
No, I just lie there.

And for you guys really sick of the winter - you are not alone: